Tuesday, Mar. 23, 2004 - 02:51

Hi there gentle Reader.

Have just woken from a nightmare…am still dazed by it, shaken. Not sure why… it was no worse, in many respects, than the others. Yet I feel sick and weak and scared, and bed seems like the last place I want to be right now.

In the nightmare I was in my bed. In the nightmare, I’d taken a massive overdose of prescription drugs…. In the nightmare, I was drifting between the conscious and the semi-unconscious as the drugs went to work, slowly killing me.

But sometimes I was ‘aware’ of what was going on around me.

In my room, he moved, coming towards my bed. He climbed on to it, straddling me. I could feel his weight press down on me. It was so real my back ached and strained under the pressure.

Although my eyes were closed and I was only partially aware of the real world, I felt movement to one side of me… something had shifted… a pillow that would ordinarily be next to me was now gone. Then there came the pressure on my face… cotton pressed to skin. It covered my face completely, but not gently, oh no – it came with considerable strength. I choked a little, but was unable to fight.

Inside myself, I was thrashing and screaming and crying and begging that he not do this! But the pressure did not falter… I couldn’t breathe; I merely sucked in the faint smells of my pillow and its cotton pillow case; I could hear the heat in his breathing as he labored to end my Life, once and for all… this person I’d trusted and loved so very much…

Gentle reader… when it seemed I was actually going to die – and God did it feel real! – the pressure abruptly stopped… the pillow was gone, and I woke up not knowing if it had actually just happened or if it had been a dream.

I laid in my bed for about 15 minutes, tears streaming from my eyes; too frightened to move, trying hard to figure out if it had been real or just another nightmare…. When I realised it had been the latter, I was free to move. So I got up… and came here, to my PC, as at this hour of the morning, you’re really the only person I can talk to without disturbing from their slumber.

I don’t want to be alone right now.

It felt so incredibly real, gentle Reader! Jesus…

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